[Part 2] Rock Bottom: Overcoming Guilt & Self-Loathing
After finding myself more miserable than I’d ever imagined possible, despite all the socially accepted versions of “success”…
I had to dive deep into myself and get honest about what was causing this unrest.
It’s worth noting here that throughout this entire time I still couldn’t visualize ‘WHAT’ I wanted my life to be…
I was just aware I wasn’t happy— and that the signs were VERY clear of that as mentioned in part 1.
For the first few months I was angry at myself that I couldn’t “see” a future that would be better— that is what I mean by a ‘lack of purpose’.
So I started to peel back the layers of ‘how’ I ended up where I did— hoping that it would reveal the answer as to ‘where’ I was meant to go next.
What I learned was that I had signed up for many projects (and relationships) throughout my life because I felt obligated “to be” something.
I felt the pressure of the world on my shoulders to be something great and contribute in a large way to society.
I also had weird programming about what it meant to be a good person and successful in life-
I.e…
‘These’ fields are more ‘noble’ to pursue…
‘Good’ people don’t leave people who love them behind…
‘Success’ is measurable and recognizable…
‘Great’ people have ‘great’ responsibility.
None of these things are objectively true, and none of them are my true beliefs - though I was operating by these dicta.
Which meant I was constantly acting for some OUTSIDE source of measurement of my character and value…
This, of course, will not lead one to the right place.
So I realized ‘how’ I ended up miserable, and expected the answer to ‘where next’ to be clear after this…
But that was when the really hard work began.
First, I had to release the guilt for all the mistakes I’d made and people I’d let down (and was going to, in order to move on the way I needed).
The hardest part, though, was releasing the guilt I felt for not knowing myself better…
For not doing something sooner…
For wasting so much precious time when I knew deep down for years that something wasn’t right.
The pain of letting oneself down will eat one alive more than any other kind of pain — until ones learn to forgive themself.
One cannot move forward and take new, better action if they are still feeling guilty over their previous actions.
They will constantly be stuck in a loop of repeating the past.
(What’s really shitty about that is that one often has to repeat the past a few times before they can even recognize that they are stuck).
I cannot deny the truth of how I began to overcome shame and guilt, despite knowing it may not be accepted in many people’s heart due to dogma and programming.
The truth is that I slowly overcame these guilty feelings by embracing the unconditional love and patience that Life (God) has for us.
I used logic, not religion, to get there…
If “God” or “Life” was truly unforgivably mad at us for our shame-inducing mistakes, and if we truly deserved to be punished for it…
Life would simply remove us from the equation.
The truth is, we are allowed to make mistakes, to fail, and to do the wrong moral thing. We are, in fact, designed for that.
Therefore, if Life has accepted that is the nature of humans to fail, then I must also accept that.
Accepting something means you do not feel shame or guilt over it, but rather recognize its role in life - which all things, good and bad, have a purpose.
So my path forward looked like this:
Step #1. Release the guilt of the past and letting myself down
(Guilt of letting others down is really just the surface level feeling of letting oneself down)
Step #2. Find the ‘right’ path for me (the previous ventures weren’t it, as we’ve discussed) and overcoming the fear to pursue it
This next step turned out to be the hardest…
What I found is that the truth of life is insidious BECAUSE it’s right in front of us from the age of children.
Again this post is quite long, so if this series is valuable, I will post the next part discussing how I found the ‘path’ and began to overcame fear.
-JT