[Part 1] Rock Bottom Took Me By Surprise

Not long ago I was on the ‘right’ path, it seemed, because  all evidence pointed to that.

I was successful enough to live the lifestyle I wanted, I felt important and valuable, and I had attracted good friends into my life. 

But one day, inexplicably, I became aware of a deep depression. 

In hindsight, I can see now that several things contributed to this, but not least of all was a breakup (which a few years ago I’d die of embarrassment to admit to that). 

The signs of an internal issue were there much sooner… 

Extreme isolation, substances, and seeking connection in unhealthy ways - but it took me 9 months to get out of the denial that I could be depressed. 

I never wanted to admit I could be affected like that. 

When I awoke to the issue, I stopped all the escapism techniques including substances and dating for almost a year. 

But that only EXPONENTIALLY increased how shitty I felt because I had nowhere to run to. 

My mom once told me, “Nothing can MAKE you happy… but some things can definitely detract from your happiness.” 

Over time, I realized many things in my life were detracting from my happiness, but I was deeply afraid of letting them go because I didn’t want to be a failure or a quitter. 

I was also very embarrassed to admit to myself, let alone others, what I truly desired. 

I finally got to my breaking point and had to find a way out, not because of myself, but because I didn’t want to affect anyone else.

Again, I had hopes that removing these things would “solve” my internal conflicts… 

But I was the most wrong I’ve ever been. 

After this, I spiraled into a completely dark, lost place. I felt no purpose, no clarity, and eventually lost all trust in myself to know what’s best for me.

This meant I had lost connection to my intuition and soul— something we all need to survive. 

So I battled suicidal issues for months. 

I was humbled by this. I finally understood certain people in my life that I always considered myself “stronger than” when I ended up like them. 

I didn’t take my failure at these attempts as a “sign” I was meant to live, but rather as a recognization that my sub-conscience did want to live. 

I knew this because, from personal experience, I would know how do to it I truly wanted to. 

Step 1. Realize I did want to live (even if just subconsciously).

Step 2. Accept that in order to continue to live on, I’d need to reinvent almost my entire life which meant I would lose a lot and it would be harder than building everything I had so far 

Step 3. Overcome the fear and the repressed guilt associated with going after what I wanted

If valuable, I will post the remainder of this 2 year learning lesson later. 

-JT